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Asia's Journal

Date: 2011-07-24 13:21
Subject: Update to the Litany... "Stubbornly Unfair Hypocritical Maturity".. from D-land.
Security: Public
Music:"E.T." by Katy Perry
***A weird comment brought me back to this journal.... I hadn't visited in years. I would hate for that last entry to be the way it closes.... so here goes.****

I had to hate him for a little while...

I think almost every girl does to get over a guy she loves.

Venomous words and thoughts flowing at 90wpm.

Clever and not subtley cloaked insults thrown easily... and with as much force and power as a thesaurus would allow.

All without thought of the consequence.

I painted myself as a victim of his lack.

Lack of sensitivity. Lack of attention. Lack of care. Lack of nearness. Lack of affection. Lack of strength.

Oh, but was he lacking...

I was not completely wrong.

But did I ever... once or twice, acknowledge my part?

As quick to make a succulent feast of him... as I was to turning up the flame to roast him.

I made him many a promise that I did not keep.

I was fool-hardy.




I was hurting. Missing him all the time.

But I had kept us stagnant. Not allowed us to move forward together.

A relationship is always changing... if it doesn't move forward it falls back. It never stands still.

I was not fair to him.

I was not fair to us.

I was not fair to me.

I obviously was not ready...

No matter how many times I told myself I was. How many times I wrote a passionate litany about how much I was devoted to him.

How many times I wrote in my diary that I would have done anything for him...

It was not the full truth.

I had years worth of chances.

I had his love.

I had his devotion.

I had his trust.

And I trusted him....

That last line is the most amazing and profound statement of anything I've said.

I have never let anyone else hold my heart.

I let him...

He didn't stomp it into the ground. No.

He gave as much as I allowed him to give me.

My lack of maturity. Of self-esteem. Of honesty. All these things... culminated in a lack from him.

He simply lost patience with me.
Pulled himself off the twisted merry-go-round... that I forever wanted him to keep riding.

Constantly chasing a never ending circle...
Running to catch a promise. That would more than likely be broken.

How terribly unfair I was to him.

I think he had to get off the ride... Eat. Get sustenance. Be tended to. Be cared about. Be treasured. Petted. Loved. Cuddled up.
Without worrying about upchucking the lot of it. Without having a bit of doubt.

I was his first love. He was mine.

It was magic. Pure. Perfect. Clean. Sexy. Delicious.


But I was not ready.

I had to pull myself up. Scrub myself off a bit more.

I was shaky. Not even nearly steady...
Not like I am now.

I talked a good game... but I hadn't yet learned how much I loathed hypocrisy in the world. Especially from my lips or fingertips.

I was stilted. And too beaten up by my past to allow anyone else to mend me.

I had no clue how to lean on him in real life.

To just allow him to protect me. To care for me. To be my partner.

And I didn't trust myself enough to try. No matter how perfect the circumstances.

I had to do it myself.

I'm stubborn and independent that way...

And there are days that I regret it more than I could ever express.
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Date: 2007-02-13 19:44
Subject: "Obsession I've stopped Obsessing Over" Entry from D-land
Security: Public
Music:"I've Just Begun Having My Fun" by Britney Spears
He was an idée fixe. An obsession. A memory I had dwelled upon... dreamt about, and bolstered to improbable heights. He was a shining beacon of light in my dark times. A part of my life I thought I would never regret because of the purity of emotion I felt towards him... and because of the purity of his very being. The beauty of his very soul, his persona.

It was a deception. A clever lie, I made truth because I needed to feel as though I was important to someone else. Because of my sad, achingly sorry, need to feel love. Joy. Happiness.

In reality he was dirty rags, with the probability of being... with a little sprucing... clean, sturdy, cotton cloth... but in my mind, through my eyes, he transformed into the most pure, coveted, rarest of silks. His image and person made into ample unsung, unseen, and unadulterated riches.

He was nothing. Is nothing. An imaginatory fixation. An unhealthy cling.

A drudgerous thought that's been replayed, examined, and gussied up in my mind because of my patheticness. My sad sad story. For purposes of survival my mind had pity on me and thought up a love story. And he fit the part and played it well.

Ironically, what makes it unforgivable is that he played along. He allowed my thought process to grow into not just a fantasy, but into a real-life fairy tale. And then in the stupidest, most predictible, and cruelest of fashions... dumped out all the joys I had thought we shared all over my head, like a puddle of mud. He tossed out all the "meaningful years". The "joyful banter". The "good memories". The "caring, loving, concern". The "friendship". As something I was clinging to too hard. I was wanting too much.

He made it clear that I was nothing to him. A gnat. An annoyance. A childish fancy. A mere thought to tickle his sides on occasion. A good laugh. A flitting escape used to buoy his ego on a day he wasn't getting enough adulation from the sea of other female renegades of emotional security, feminine strength, or sensible intelligible thought, he had at his fingertips. I was a plaything to be stirred up for his own personal recreation when it suited his fancy.

Oh, and I was too dimwitted to comprehend how little he thought of me. How unimportant I was to him. Not just too naïve, but too much a lunatic to gather that he could feel nothing for me or our so-called friendship. Besides, I was simply too much effort to deal with. I didn't deserve a proper goodbye, oh no. I deserved nothing from him... so, he had to tell someone else how little he gave a damn about me behind my back. Properly flounting, of course, how misguided I was.

So I, of course, cut him off completely... and haven't regretted it a day.
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Date: 2006-09-02 22:19
Subject: Sigh...
Security: Public
Music:"I Must Be Emo"- Hollywood Undead
He called... *this is me attempting not to be giddy, and failing miserably* I missed his voice sooo much. I miss it now. Is it bad to miss his voice this much?...
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Date: 2006-08-26 21:31
Subject: Calling Arg Blues...
Security: Public
Music:Tim McGraw- "Live Like You Were Dying"
I suppose I should update a little...

Men suck.

That should about sum it up. But in case that's not enough... we'll add this choice snippet. Men suck when they say that they're going to call you and don't. Hmph.

Though it makes it okay if they apologize for it. Sigh. Though, it doesn't stop me from being dissapointed.

Arg! Damn 'J' named, B'stards. They hook you everytime.

And make you say "Arg!". I'm a pirate now for heaven's sake. Geez.

I'm just rambling disjointed nonsense... for heaven's sake pay me no mind whatsoever. Hmm... but keep in mind that if you do, you'll suck just as much as men.
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Date: 2006-08-02 23:30
Subject: Flatulence and Mashed Potatoes
Security: Public
Music:Imogen Heap- "Goodnight and Go"
Ken is burping constantly in my ear, makes me talk to him while he's pooing and I'm eating mashed potatoes. All just to make me squeal in disgust. I have to tattle on him somewhere. The punk. lol I think he definitely deserves a time-out, don't you?
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Date: 2006-07-08 06:23
Subject: "...It's gonna be a long way to Happy."
Security: Public
Music:The album I'm Not Dead by Pink
I don't really know how I feel at the moment. I suppose I'll take a long walk tomorrow and figure it out. Stop at Sweet Tomato for lunch. Maybe then I'll go to B&N (a staple when I'm feeling like this, I probably spent my entire seven-teenth year at Barnes & Noble). I'll drown my day in books, magazines, syrupy semi-espresso drinks topped with whipped cream, and who knows what else? Maybe I'll run into an intellectual male-type and have a meaningful conversation that might shake me out of my nun-like existence. Not that my thoughts have been at all saint-like lately.

Hmm... I've said too much.

All I really wanted to say, before I got hopelessly side-tracked, was that I haven't been feeling as joyous as usual lately. I know why. I'm tired of the cycle my life has taken, and I feel like no matter what I do it won't make me feel any different. Any more satisfied. I'm tired of the drudgery, I guess. I wonder if anyone else ever feels that way? Like life is just inane. Boring. Stretching on in a continuous monotonous circle, with no end in sight.

The previous paragraph doesn't really express my deep disgust of the way I've been feeling lately... it sounds entirely too tame, and a little cliché. Let me put it another way... I cleaned today. Not just a simple tidying up, I cleaned. Maniacally.. with fervor. There wasn't a speck of dust left in any area I attacked. Martha Stewart would have felt uncomfortable with the result. I had to sit myself down and watch a re-run of Gilmore Girls to come to my senses, or I would have attacked everyone's bedrooms then draped all the furniture and given the walls a fresh coat of paint. Now, this means, to anyone who knows me well, that I am either:

A. Insanely stressed,

B. The kind of sad/depressed where I'm keeping myself distracted/busy so that I don't cry/dwell, or

C. Unfathomably, catastrophically... pissed.

I'd say in this instance, it was definitely B, with a wee bit of A thrown in.

This is definitely not a good place to be.

I'm putting the following qoute in this entry because it gives me a little comfort when I read it, and I hope it does the same for you:

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Good, no?
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Date: 2006-07-06 08:25
Subject: Life...
Security: Public
So... I've been forced against my will invited to use this LJ by sweetcharade. I love her... I adore her. She's introduced another personalized blogging space into my life, and I will use it to the best of my ability. I think this will just be a venting zone. We'll see how that works out. I've kind of lost that in my life, so I guess I'll make the most of it.

Journals are something I'm a little addicted to, so there's no way I can help myself. I'll be using it. Hmm... That's enough for now. More to come.
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juillet 2011